I Don’t Mind Being the Default Parent: How I Changed my Mindset Around my Parenting Role
Being the default parent gets a bad rap. And when you aren’t receiving the appreciation and recognition you deserve, it would make sense that you are struggling to see the benefits of holding this role in your household.
Being a parent is an honor, but it also comes with a myriad of responsibilities. In many families, there tends to be one parent who takes on the majority of childcare and household duties. They are often referred to as the “default parent.” In this blog post, we’ll talk about the concept of being the default parent, explore the challenges they face, and discuss how to receive the appreciation you deserve in this role. Because this role can be challenging, and you deserve recognition for your hard work!
In this post we’ll cover:
- What is a default parent?
- Societal influences on parenting
- Challenges default parents can face
- Breaking the cycle and opening communication
- Receiving the support and recognition you deserve
- Shifting your mindset around your parenting role
- The benefits of being the default parent
While being the default parent is difficult, and no one is questioning that, many incredible aspects of this role oftentimes are overlooked. I want to mention those aspects in this post as well and help you see the value in the role you fill in your household!
My attitude around my role as the default parent was awful for a long time. It took having a conversation with my husband to change my perspective on things. Telling him I needed to feel appreciated for what I do helped me be able to focus on the amazing aspect of this role that I was overlooking. The only reason I can even be in this role is because of how hard my husband works to provide for us. If it weren’t for his sacrifice, I wouldn’t be the default parent. And for that, I am forever grateful.
I hope this post encourages you to see your role as the default parent in a new light and helps you appreciate the importance of it!
What is a default parent?
The default parent is the primary caregiver and the one who shoulders the majority of the day-to-day responsibilities related to raising children, chores, and managing the household. They are often the go-to person for childcare needs, school-related matters, and emotional support. Additionally, they are responsible for organizing family schedules, meal planning, and ensuring the smooth functioning of the household.
Societal influences on Parenting
As a stay-at-home mom, I am naturally the default parent. Our kids are home full time, and I homeschool while my husband works full time outside of the house. This is just how our household is set up. Being home with our kids was always what we wanted. From the time we were first dating, we talked about the future and the way we wanted our household to run. There have been times when I have worked outside of the house, but we always knew that would be temporary.
Gender norms tend to reinforce the idea that women should be home with the children, filling the default parent role. And in our case, it’s what works. I enjoy being home far more than working, and my husband is the opposite. If this isn’t what you want for your family, it might be time to have a chat about it.
Challenges default parents can face
Burnout and overwhelm: If you’re not taking time for yourself as the default parent, it’s easy to face burnout and overwhelm. Being the default parent means juggling numerous responsibilities without much physical support. This can lead to burnout fast. And if you’re not receiving the appreciation and support you deserve, it’s only a matter of time before you snap.
Emotional toll: As the default parent, sometimes your day consists of addressing the emotional needs of your family adding to your own emotional stress. It is so important to step away and do something for yourself throughout the week.
Breaking the cycle and opening communication
When you’re the default parent, it’s crucial to discuss roles and responsibilities and communicate expectations. Initiate conversations with your spouse and have the hard conversations. If being the default parent is too much, tell your spouse how they can support you. How they can lighten your load. Whether that’s taking over dishes each night, being in charge of laundry, or keeping the kids while you go out once a week to do whatever your heart desires. You have to have these conversations. Break the cycle of burnout and overwhelm by expressing your needs. Tell your spouse how they can best support you in your role as the default parent.
Set boundaries!
I cannot stress this enough. You have to set boundaries. If you’re not comfortable being the one who has to do dinner, clean up, and bedtime all before you can sit and relax, set a hard boundary. When your spouse is home, split up the household responsibilities more evenly.
Receiving the support and recognition you deserve
We’ve already talked about opening communication and talking with your spouse about how to best support you in your role, but we also need to mention receiving recognition for all you do. It’s great if your spouse is able to help and split responsibilities when they’re home, but you also deserve to hear how appreciative your family is of all you do. Your spouse is most likely your biggest support. As the other parent, they see what you do, what you’re responsible for, and what needs to be done inside the home better than anyone else. Even if words of affirmation isn’t your love language, hearing that your family is grateful for you, goes a long way. Make sure your spouse knows how much it means to you when they show their appreciation for you.
Seeking support outside the home
Make sure you have a support system outside of the home, too! Maybe it’s a mom’s group, a homeschool club, bible study, or just chatting with a family member. Feeling supported by others will help you in your role as the default parent.
Take time for self-care
We touched on this earlier, but you have to take time for yourself! Whether it’s exercise, going out for coffee, meeting up with a friend for lunch, or just taking a break away from your responsibilities, it will do wonders for your mental health to take a break from your parenting role. It’s not selfish.
Shifting your mindset around being the default parent
I get it, being the default parent is not for the faint of heart. If you had told me even 6 months ago that I would say I don’t mind being the default parent, I would’ve laughed in your face. It took being completely honest with my husband about how much I was struggling and how I needed to feel like what I did in our home mattered for things to finally get better. It wasn’t easy. I had to lay everything out in front of him and tell him I needed to hear him tell me he appreciates what I do, and I needed to hear him say he recognized that I didn’t have it easy being home full time.
My husband never made me feel inferior by any means, but just because someone isn’t making you feel inferior doesn’t mean they’re showing you appreciation. Ask for what you need! If it’s one day off a week, ask for it. If it’s being told regularly that what you do matters, and that your home wouldn’t run the way it does without you, ask for it!
When you’re not receiving the appreciation and recognition you deserve, it’s really easy to feel resentment and frustration toward your spouse. And then you’re in the vicious cycle of feeling underappreciated and resentful.
Take the time to have the hard conversations and make the changes in your relationship to better your situation. I promise you it’s worth it.
Once I started receiving the appreciation I needed, it was easy to shift my mindset around my role as the default parent. Yes, this role is difficult, there’s no denying it. But you know what else? This role is pretty incredible. You are the person your children seek for comfort. The person they want to comfort them. You are their safe space. And that’s an honor. I wasn’t able to see that when my vision was blinded with resentment.
Things will never be completely balanced, and I’m okay with that. My husband has a full-time job outside of the home, I have a full-time job in the home. And if it weren’t for my husband working full time, I wouldn’t get to be home with our children. And for that, I am so grateful.
When we are both home, we share the responsibilities and make sure that the other parent has a chance to step away and do something solo. This is what works for us and helps us both share the parenting load and do something outside of our adult responsibilities.
Find what works for your family and stick to it! Make sure you are communicating your needs and taking time for yourself away from the duties of being the default parent.
The benefits of being the default parent
I touched on this a little bit above, but let’s talk a little more about some of the perks of being the default parent.
You’re there for the special milestones.
You get to witness special milestones in your child’s life firsthand. Not all parents are lucky enough to do that. If you’re the parent who is home most, you have the special opportunity to see a lot of ‘firsts’ that your spouse might miss out on. This isn’t something to boast about, but it is a benefit of being the parent who is around more.
You’re probably the one your children seek out for advice.
My kids will walk past my husband to come ask me a question, open a snack, seek comfort after a fall, or just hover near me. Sometimes it drives me nuts! But other times it reminds me that they are used to me being around, and they find my presence comforting. They also tend to ask me questions that have to do with privileges, going out with friends, and things of that nature as well. Not that they don’t trust my husband, they just know I’m around. Constantly. Because I have no life. Kidding; sort of.
You learn your kid’s quirks, habits, and unique personality traits.
Have your kids ever gone up to someone and spoken complete gibberish that you understood clear as day? Cool, huh? You spend more time with your children than anyone else, so their speech sounds completely clear to you. That wouldn’t happen if you didn’t get to be present with them. Sure, your spouse may be able to understand them too, but I always find it funny when my kids say something that my family or a friend doesn’t understand, and I can interpret their sentence word-for-word.
As the default parent, you get to see your child’s personality blossom and change day by day. That’s something that shouldn’t be taken for granted. I know this role is hard but remind yourself of the perks and watch your mindset shift.
Conclusion
Being the default parent does not have to mean burnout, resentment, or anger. It can mean honor, joy, and privilege, but you have to make your needs known. Have hard conversations, set boundaries, and let your expectations be known. You deserve to be appreciated in your role! I hope this post has encouraged you to see things in a different light. If this has been helpful to you, please remember to share it with a friend, and pin it to your favorite Pinterest board.
Thank you so much for being here!
-M
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